Much like the anxiety meme I’ve recently seen making the rounds, it’s time to upgrade that regular mom guilt to fancy holiday mom guilt! Sorry gents, but most (not all, of course) moms bear the brunt of the family load this time of year. Suddenly Thanksgiving arrives and the calendar explodes, along with moms’ to-do lists (and her phone with yet another group text).
We must coordinate and plan all the things, so no traditions are missed. First comes the decorating- finding or buying the tree, trimming it along with the rest of the home, lights indoors and out, Christmas towels and blankets that have seen better years, candy dishes, nativity scenes, and just generally finding temporary homes for whatever else emerges from the storage bins.
Next is getting all. the. things. on the calendar. Sifting through the Santa choices to find one that will be both kid and wallet approved and not mean hours of waiting. There are multiple music programs, teacher gifts to think of, toy donation drives, holiday cards that consume approximately 72 hours from start to finish, Elf on the Shelf, baking, gift buying, outfits to coordinate, gingerbread villages, Christmas countdowns … and don’t forget it must all be MAGICAL! Not to mention most of us have work and other standing commitments (aka daily life) that we cannot abandon in the face of this holiday blitz.
I am highly skilled at finding ways to induce guilt and that talent shines most brightly this time of year. The story I tell myself is that I am either doing too much or not enough. One year I focused solely on the ways we could give back (a kindness countdown of sorts), but of course managed to turn it into another thing I was failing at, because I wasn’t checking that box each day. When I forge ahead and commit to all the things, I typically find myself in tears on Christmas Day. While sheer exhaustion is partly to blame, there is also this major sense of disappointment after the month long buildup.
So what can we do? Should we moms just band together and commit to spending as much time as possible in our pjs on the couch this month?! Count me in! 🙂
There may be a better way, however, that doesn’t leave everyone feeling let down: mindfulness. A fairly straightforward concept, yet so difficult to incorporate into all aspects of our lives. Social media impacts us in a way that makes it difficult to enjoy the simplicity of a moment with our family without documenting it somehow. It’s as if the moment isn’t as memorable or as special if we haven’t shared it with our network of followers. You are welcome to disagree with me, but mindfulness isn’t possible with phone in hand. Since we love lists so much, here is #1: put down the phone. This is a major struggle for me as well so please understand there is no finger pointing here. This month I am committing to healthier boundaries around my “screen time” so I can mindfully enjoy the memorable moments with my family.
#2: Shift the focus from the gifts. For most parents, this is the biggest challenge. We are enveloped in this culture of consumerism year round, but it becomes especially evident on November 1st each year. Perhaps we start simple. Along with a letter to Santa of wishes, invite your child(ren) to create a holiday “bucket list.” Limit the number of items so it’s achievable and focus on the excitement of memory making. Each time well-meaning persons approach your kiddo and ask what they want for Christmas, steer the conversation: “This year we are SOO excited to see our cousins!” But along with shifting our kiddos’ focus, we must shift our own as well. We should plan any gift giving with mindfulness. Some people gift experiences rather than something tangible. In our house we generally follow the rule “something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read.” The bottom line is filling that space under the tree will not create any more lasting happiness or satisfaction for anyone in your family. This is yet another thing I can speak to with conviction because of the year we attempted to drown our secondary infertility struggles in gifts for our only child.
#3: Build the calendar with mindfulness. Overwhelming the family with activities, no matter how fun/special/magical they are, will not serve anyone well this holiday season. Meltdowns inevitably ensue along with major feelings of post-holiday sadness or disappointment. Only commit to those things that matter most to you and your immediate family and understand some people will be disappointed by your new boundaries. You are not responsible for their feelings.
#4 Incorporate rest. Slow down. This could be part of a mindful calendar but because of the impact of busy-ness rest deserves its own place on this list. Quite literally, plan to rest. Schedule it if you have to, but find time each week to refresh and renew your spirit. Whether it’s restorative yoga, a hot bath, an afternoon nap, movie night for the family, or simply one day each week without any plans, decide what you need to incorporate to “fill your cup” and prevent fatigue for the entire family. Actively incorporating rest is another practice that challenges me daily but I hope to maintain and continue even beyond this season.
Now before you run off into a new tailspin of guilt (“I’m not being mindful enough!!”), let go of this list. I created it to share information and to foster an understanding of mindfulness through the holidays, but let it go (cue Frozen theme song). I invite you to simply hold onto the word “mindfulness,” or another word that evokes the emotion or intention you would like to create this season. Each time you find yourself struggling to connect or make a decision, think: mindfulness. Each time you are about to experience something memorable with your family, mindfulness. Each time you start to feel the pressure of creating the perfect ANYTHING, mindfulness. That mindfulness just might make a little magic of its own.